Picking Up The Pieces

Today is December 5 2022. My goal was to be 150lbs by my 30th birthday on January 9 2023. Well, that isn’t going to happen. Between job changes, medication changes, thoughts of suicide and just an overwhelming amount of stress in the past 5 months I completely fell apart. I am back up to my heaviest at 215 lbs. For awhile I was trying to convince myself that I’m always going to be on the heavy side since I am on medications that I will always be on. I tried to accept that, and I let myself go. I started not caring about what I ate, about not getting exercise- nothing. But now I can’t even look in the mirror or look at older pictures of me without completely hating myself. I’d like to blame the weight gain on my medication, but I can’t. Not 100% anyways. This one is on me.

This year has probably been one of the worst years of my life. I had a toxic job- to the point that the stress was making me physically ill. I was in a bad car accident in March. My tattoo artist (now former) started sexually harassing me. I took a job at a large retail store, but only lasted a few days because my anxiety and PTSD started calling the shots. The overturning of Roe v Wade made me start to process things I’ve never told anybody. Then there was a suicide attempt. I got a new part time job, and then was almost immediately thrown to full time, and basically being the only person working the front for 2 1/2 months. And now once again I am dealing with a toxic work place.

It’s a lot. Too much. It took me putting a knife to my wrist to finally realize that I can’t keep suffering with multiple forms of PTSD, severe depression and anxiety alone and silently. I made an appointment with a therapist for this Friday. It’s going to be very hard completely opening up to a stranger, but I know it’s necessary. I can’t talk to my family or friends about most of it- for multiple reasons. I don’t want pity. I don’t want to burden them. I know they wouldn’t think of it that way, but I would.

This is no longer just a weight loss blog. This is going to be a blog for me to write how I’m meeting my goals, even if nobody reads it. I do still absolutely want to lose weight, but I’m not setting any date goals. I’m aiming for 2 lbs a week, but my mental health comes first.

2022 was terrible. Here’s to 2023 being better.

Wish me luck.