Just spilling my guts

It’s ironic really- that I have such a hard time admitting I need therapy. Psychotherapy is actually what I want to go to school for. Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time with it, I don’t know. What I do know is that I have never been able to find a therapist who understands. I want a therapist with experience…and I don’t mean school or training. I want somebody who is willing to admit that they have gone through some of the hell I have. Help me through it because they themselves have gone through it. Sometimes it feels like doctors are just there to make money. Money is essential, I get that, but if I’m spilling every single trauma and trigger and breakdown and suicide attempt to a stranger, it would be nice to have a stranger who genuinely cares. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 14. Granted, when I was 14 it was only for my abandonment issues, and now it is still my abandonment issues, plus my depression, my anxiety, my insomnia, and my multiple forms of PTSD.

I had my first session today. It was over Zoom (which is a little weird) and was an hour long. I didn’t even tell her everything. Almost everything…but not one thing. I guess it makes sense…I’m still coming to terms with it myself. I’ve hidden it and ignored it for 6 years, and would have continued to do so if politics hadn’t thrown it in my face this year. That’s mostly the reason why, but there’s a part of me that’s afraid I’m going to be to much. I’ve already had multiple psychiatrists tell me that they can’t deal with my level of depression and have kicked me to the curb. I’ve never had a therapist do that, but I also haven’t seen a therapist in 6 years. Shit’s gotten a lot worse since then. I wish there was like an anonymous form to submit to potential therapists so you can get everything right there on the table before you meet them. So they can consent to the level of baggage they’ll be up against, and can decline before meeting with you. I also really like the idea of writing everything down, giving her that, and then slowly work my way through the list verbally. I don’t know what I’ll do if I finally come completely clean, and then be told that I need to find somebody else. I probably won’t if I’m being honest.

This is why I want to go into this field. I want to talk to somebody like me. I want to be upfront about my traumas, and help people by personal experience. I want an office that my clients can completely control. Like…100% control. Where we sit, how bright (or dark) they want the room to be, smells, music, how they want to communicate, where they can bring an emotional support animal. Everything. Especially since I want to specialize in sexual assault. SA survivors like myself have had enough control ripped away from them, the last thing I want is them to not have 100% control in therapy.

However, there is a lot holding me back from actually going back to school. First, I need to get help myself first. I need to be strong enough to help others. There is also the issue of affording it, but there are loans and crap for that. I’m not horribly concerned on that end.

I need to help myself first. I need to be healed.

I’m going to be the reason why my therapist drinks.