Ok this blog addresses where my initial PTSD comes from. It didn’t start in Florida with my rape- it actually started in 2007, while I was in high school. Every single one of my problems all started from my experiences in high school. My depression, my insomnia, my fear of buildings- mostly schools, and especially my anxiety. I wrote this back in 2007, and I have updated it to the best of my ability.
I went to a small charter school from Kindergarten until I had to drop out in 10th grade. So…from 1999-2008. Elementary school was great for me- I had a mom and grandparents that taught me things at home, so I was reading and writing at a grade level 3 times higher then I was in. In Kindergarten, the school actually wanted to skip me to 2nd grade-but my parents said no. I don’t blame them…I would have been a 6 year old with 8 and 9 year olds. I also needed the social aspect of kindergarten. I was basically always around adults growing up. I have one sister and one brother, but she is 6 years older and he is 10 years older, so I was basically an only child (so it felt sometimes).
Skip to first grade. We were given reading, writing and math workbooks the we would complete during the entire school year. I had literally every single page of every single book done in 2 weeks. My teacher noticed I was bored, and my parents noticed, so they finally agreed to let me skip a grade- but just the one. Sometimes I wonder how my life would have turned out if they HAD let me skip kindergarten and first grade. Would I still have all of these problems? Would I have more? I’ll never know.
Fast forward to 9th grade. Where I live, 9-12 is high school. (I know a lot of places where 9th is still middle). I had a great group of friends. I had been best friends with most of them since 2nd grade. I’m actually STILL best friends with one of them, and it’s been…18 years. Let me just get this out here right now- I am NOT athletic. I HATE playing sports. In middle school, my PE teacher let me and my friends just walk around the track outside for the entire class. As long as we were being active, she was happy. And so were we. Things changed in 9th grade. My PE teacher then did NOT let us just walk around the track. We HAD to participate. My school was tiny (my graduating class would have been about 40), so there were only 2 periods for each class. This will be important a little later on. Luckily, my best friend was in my PE class with me, so we kind of just sucked together. But, seeing as it was now high school, and some of the kids were joining the sporting teams, things were very competitive. If you couldn’t make a basket, or throw a football, they let you know. Loudly, rudely. A group of 3 I think in particular were absolutely HORRIBLE to us. Seriously, who the fuck cares about who won your 9th grade basketball game?! This continued…all year.
In tenth grade, things really began to spiral out of control. WAY out of control. Bullying wasn’t really a huge problem at my school…until 10th grade. PE got to the point where I couldn’t face being called those nasty names, so I went to the PE teacher. Yes, yes, I know I should have done this a loooong time ago. But it didn’t really bother me until then. He tried his hardest to separate us at all times, but like I mentioned, it was a tiny school and there wasn’t much he really could do. The dean of students was informed, but decided it wasn’t worth his time to intervene and involve parents, or even talk to the damn kids.
In September of 2007, about a month into 10th grade, there was an incident. I am NOT proud of this, and I regret that this ever even happened. I also want it noted that I am still great friends with this girl. So my group of friends had a falling out with said girl. One girl in my group REALLY hated her…and I’m not entirely sure why. I still talked to her when I had the chance. So we were sitting outside, eating lunch, and she walked past us. The girl in my group who now hated her called out something I will not repeat, but it did have something to do with her weight. The vice principle was walking past at the same time, and we all got called in. And holy shit did we get in trouble. Like, yelled at by the counselor, parents called, got suspended for a day in trouble. When my parents got called in however…they were furious at the school- not at me. Granted, I hadn’t done anything, but I was still part of the group. They were livid that I was getting suspended for one comment that I hadn’t even said, when I was being harassed every single day in PE and they chose to ignore that.
So now we hit the out of control part. About a month after our suspension, we were sitting eating lunch, when this guy who sometimes sat with us starts talking about guns. O…k….sure? It wasn’t really anything bad…at first…just about how good of a shot he is, and what guns he would like to own. Weird, but not really anything to think twice about. This continued until about a week later, our table was full, so we told him he had to eat somewhere else, or on the ground. He stalked off, muttering under his breathe “I’m going to bring a gun to school and fucking shoot all these assholes.” Ok, now we got a little worried.
Also..I think it should be mentioned that I grew up and went to school in Jefferson County, Colorado. My school is about 20 minutes away from Columbine. I was in kindergarten when it happened, and I still remember it vividly. Jeffco has a nasty history with school shootings (four since 1998), so we had countless practice “attacks”. Every single year, we were taught what to do if this situation ever came up at my school. Doors were locked from the inside, and there was an absolutely zero policy on threats.
So, as a group (there were about 8 of us), we decided that if he said anything else we would go straight to the principal. And it did happen. The next day. We told him (and we weren’t mean about it) that there was no room since he showed up so late. And again he walked off, this time adding “and I’m starting with them.” We freaked out. We pretty much ran to the office, and we all spent the remainder of the day being separated and interrogated by the dean, the counselor and then the cops. He ended up being arrested that day and was suspended for about a month. Our counselor was FURIOUS at US. She thought it was OUR fault, and that this was just our petty way of getting back at the school for suspending us. I can assure you- it was not.
This kid came back a month later…and freaked us out again. We were personally promised by the office that he had been evaluated and has deemed “not a threat” so they let him back. We were also promised that he would never be anywhere without an adult. They lied. He followed us around, stalking around corners and glaring and muttering. I don’t know why this bothered me so much more then anybody else, but it did. It still does. I felt nauseous and anxious every single minute I was in that building. I was paranoid. I always felt like I was being watched. I always had to have an escape route. It got to the point where I couldn’t cope. I was actually sick, and would do literally anything to not have to go to school. I went to doctors after doctors after doctors who couldn’t put the fricken pieces together. They kept giving me drugs for my horrible stomach pains, and for random other crap. It got to the point where my liver, kidneys and intestines were on the verge of failure. All because of anxiety.
At this point, I hadn’t gone to school in 3 months. I lost touch with all my friends. I isolated myself from everything and everybody. I ended up dropping out on my 16th birthday (you have to be 16 in the state of Colorado). I couldn’t walk into a school without a full blown panic attack. Then, it became malls. Then grocery stores. Then movie theaters. Everything inside and public gave me horrible anxiety. The depression hit after months of anxiety, no sleep and no contact with anybody but my mom and doctors. I worked so goddamn hard to get over it, to get my GED. Unfortunately for me, where I live, the GED tests are taken at the local community college. A school. They were willing to let me take it outside, or in the huge public library next door, but I refused, knowing that I had to do this right. It took me over 3 years, but I finally got it.
I still don’t understand why all of this affected me so horribly and not anybody else. I hate that I was weak enough that it did. I hate that I became a cutter because of it. I hate that I lost contact with almost everybody. I hate that I am STILL dealing with this, 15 years later. Yes, I can go into schools and malls and stores now, but I am still always looking over my shoulder. I am still always finding a way out. And now after my other traumas, I am always making sure I have my taser on me. But it all comes back to the million dollar question….would I have these problems if I had or hadn’t skipped grades? Sometimes I think I would have been so much better off. Other times, I think I would have ended up dead. My dog that I got to help with my depression actually saved my life when I was about 16 and was about to take an entire bottle of sleeping pills. I most likely wouldn’t have gotten HIM as my dog. So many unanswered questions. All things that will remain unanswered. All things that my mind thinks about day after day.
I definitely don’t condone dropping out of high school. Trust me- I would have killed to be able to graduate with my friends. But sometimes…sometimes high school just isn’t an option.
Body and Mind Under Construction 
Leave a comment