Vain? Possibly. Confidence? Definitely. (from 2017)

THIS WAS WRITTEN IN 2017, SO AGES, WEIGHTS, TATTOOS, DATES, ECT HAVE ALL CHANGED!

I’m not going to lie, growing up I never felt pretty. I always thought my older sister was beautiful, as is my mom, but never me. I have a lot of moles that I am very self-conscience about, am very pale, and my hair is naturally a very ugly brown. It’s stick straight, and stringy. I’ve only ever liked my eyes- they are blue, but change colors. They can be bright blue, almost teal, dark blue, gray, gray-blue and sometimes green.

I’m average height- 5’6- and my weight fluctuates. I suppose when I was little, I never really even thought about whether or not I was “cute”. But once I hit puberty, I realized that I never liked looking in a mirror. My friends were all gorgeous, my sister and mom beautiful. I guess you could say I always felt like the ugly duckling.

Sure, I dated. I am even married now, but I never understood what guys saw in me. I know I’ve got a great sense of humor and and adventurous. And truthfully, I always met the guys online. I’ve never been asked out in person.

Ever since I turned about 15, I’ve dyed my hair. I HATE my natural color, so I frequently changed the color. I’ve been blonde, dark brown, purple, blue, orange, pink, and every shade of red you can think of. I have learned that the universe made a huge mistake in my hair color/skin tone match and that I was destined to be a red head. So, that’s what I’ve been for a few years, whenever I’m not a weird color anyways. I’ve also like to experiment with the cut and styles of my hair. I’ve had many pixie cuts, bobs, and even half shaved once. And I like to think I can pull all of them off. But I never felt PRETTY.

I’ve always been a good dresser. I like to look nice (most of the time anyways). I like clothes that fit, that are the right colors, and I know how to shop. Most of my clothes are brands like Express, New York and Company, Hollister, but I know how to use sales and coupons to my advantage so I can actually afford these brands.

It took me 12 years to even work up the courage to get my ears pierced. Which is ironic because I now have 5 piercings and 41 tattoos. At 18, I got my first tattoo. (Read previous article about the meanings of my tattoos).

So when I got raped, it just made all of these ugly duckling feelings 10x worse. But now, there was disgust instead of just dislike. It didn’t help because of what he said, and the pictures he insisted on taking. I kept quiet about my rape for a very long time. I didn’t want anybody to know. I knew going to the cops was pointless- I didn’t have a name, or a face. I didn’t want to relive it over and over and over with cops, just to get nothing out of it. I just wanted to forget.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. I finally told my husband, who was way more understanding then I deserve. Then I told my mom, and 2 of my best friends. They are all very supportive about everything…but I know they don’t really know what to say or do to help. And that’s ok. I know I have people I can talk to how will just LISTEN and not judge. I then decided to just go public with it, and through that, I found some groups and some people that I actually know that have similar experiences.

But I still felt like the ugly duckling.

I lived with this feeling day in and day out. In Florida, my anxiety and depression became so bad, I could barely get out of bed, let alone go anywhere. I would cringe every time a guy would even LOOK at me. Everybody I knew was back in Colorado, except my husband and one friend. It was a dark time. A lonely time.

But then we moved back home to Colorado, and I really began to start healing. That just wasn’t something I could even start doing in Florida. Not where it happened, not without any support system. So it was a fresh, oozing wound for about 18 months. That’s a long time to bleed.

Back in Colorado, I knew what had to be done. I know that in order to heal, I needed to put myself into 2 categories. The “before” and the “after”. And I made it my goal to have my “after” feel beautiful. I learned how to finally do makeup. I got contacts. I found a beautiful shade of red for my hair. But there were still a few problems. I knew my hair was dragging me down. It was very short when I was raped, and I still associate those two. But hair grows so slow. So I found affordable extensions, and by some miracle, they were the exact same color as the red I loved and already had. The last problem is still a problem for me. My clothes. I have a hard time looking at things I had in Florida, wore in Florida. Silly, maybe. But I am slowly redoing my wardrobe. And I found that with my new hair, contacts, good makeup and some new clothes I finally felt something I have never felt before in my life.

I feel beautiful.

Yes, it now takes time every day to do my long hair, and get my make-up right, and put my contacts in. But it is so, so worth it at the end. I can actually look at myself without any disgust or dislike. I feel confident. I feel stronger. I feel like one day, I WILL be ok.

And that is a beautiful thing.